Cancer.
That word alone makes my stomach queasy. That word makes me tense. Sad. Angry. Scared. Confused.
After numerous years of battling different types of cancers my Dad was informed he has another. This time there is nothing the docs can do but they would appreciate it if they could study him and his health while he's alive and fighting. Nice, eh?
You see, I have very few hero's in my life - in fact, there are three. One of them is obviously my Dad. After years of health ailments, pain, early forced retirement, more pain, more health aliments; my Dad has never wavered in his desire to live. His desire to fight.
Until recently, there was much talk about years down the road (we've always been positive regardless of the curve-balls thrown). Recently, it hit me like five thousands bricks landing on my baby toe that my Dad doesn't have much fight left in him. He has several other health complications as well as the cancerous cells multiplying rapidly in his body.
You see, when you have a parent who is sick for so long you become unattached to the possibility of death. ICU rooms, blood transfusions, surgery complications and fixes have been my life since I was young. It's all I've really know when it comes to my Dad. Sad but true (not copying Metallica words!)
Then it hit me - my Dad was not going to live forever. I have struggled and cried, and clenched my teeth.
I have hugged and kissed him. I have squeezed my boy; the only grandchild my Dad has. I have taken comfort in a dear loved one. I have accepted that eventually, my Dad's fight with cancer will be over. His story will never end. Never.
When, I do not know. I choose to live moment to moment, day by day. I've told him how deep my love for him runs. I've told him the positive and optimistic me is hurting. I've told him he has been the most incredible male influence in my life; entirely.
I've laughed with him and relived several hilarious moments from my childhood. I've thanked him. I've forgiven him. I've sat in silence with him. I have even asked him if the tumors hurt. He has answered courageously and honestly every.single.time.
Cancer; you may be vicious but you can't fool me. You prey on the strong. You destroy on your timeline. You provide moments of conversations that people never ever want to have. You are a disease - but we can still choose. Cancer; you've got nothing on my Dad. Cancer, you've got nothing on me.
If you or a loved one is battling cancer; reach out I would love to hear from you.
I work with cancer patients in counselling/coaching sessions. I work with their family and friends. I am using these years knowing cancer vicariously to help others heal.
We all have a choice; I'm choosing gratefulness.
I have become all that I am because of what has happened to me. I choose acceptance and release the anger; the questions, the pain of not understanding and accept that all things happen for reasons.
That word alone makes my stomach queasy. That word makes me tense. Sad. Angry. Scared. Confused.
After numerous years of battling different types of cancers my Dad was informed he has another. This time there is nothing the docs can do but they would appreciate it if they could study him and his health while he's alive and fighting. Nice, eh?
You see, I have very few hero's in my life - in fact, there are three. One of them is obviously my Dad. After years of health ailments, pain, early forced retirement, more pain, more health aliments; my Dad has never wavered in his desire to live. His desire to fight.
Until recently, there was much talk about years down the road (we've always been positive regardless of the curve-balls thrown). Recently, it hit me like five thousands bricks landing on my baby toe that my Dad doesn't have much fight left in him. He has several other health complications as well as the cancerous cells multiplying rapidly in his body.
You see, when you have a parent who is sick for so long you become unattached to the possibility of death. ICU rooms, blood transfusions, surgery complications and fixes have been my life since I was young. It's all I've really know when it comes to my Dad. Sad but true (not copying Metallica words!)
Then it hit me - my Dad was not going to live forever. I have struggled and cried, and clenched my teeth.
I have hugged and kissed him. I have squeezed my boy; the only grandchild my Dad has. I have taken comfort in a dear loved one. I have accepted that eventually, my Dad's fight with cancer will be over. His story will never end. Never.
When, I do not know. I choose to live moment to moment, day by day. I've told him how deep my love for him runs. I've told him the positive and optimistic me is hurting. I've told him he has been the most incredible male influence in my life; entirely.
I've laughed with him and relived several hilarious moments from my childhood. I've thanked him. I've forgiven him. I've sat in silence with him. I have even asked him if the tumors hurt. He has answered courageously and honestly every.single.time.
Cancer; you may be vicious but you can't fool me. You prey on the strong. You destroy on your timeline. You provide moments of conversations that people never ever want to have. You are a disease - but we can still choose. Cancer; you've got nothing on my Dad. Cancer, you've got nothing on me.
If you or a loved one is battling cancer; reach out I would love to hear from you.
I work with cancer patients in counselling/coaching sessions. I work with their family and friends. I am using these years knowing cancer vicariously to help others heal.
We all have a choice; I'm choosing gratefulness.
I have become all that I am because of what has happened to me. I choose acceptance and release the anger; the questions, the pain of not understanding and accept that all things happen for reasons.
No comments:
Post a Comment